Shaving

Shaving posted July 21, 2011.

Jake: Hey, you're watching Ja--can you stop taking pictures of my jeans?
Amir: Whoa, pervert alert.

J: Okay. First thing's first, take some shaving cream, put it in your hand.
A: Well, hey, check it out. Jake and a mirror.
J: That's good. Okay, so.
A: That was a freaking courtesy laugh. And I appreciate it.
J: (whisper) Alright. Easy, easy.
A: Hey, you think this sahving cream stuff works on cats? Yes or no, bitch? I'm talking to you.
J: I don't want you to shave a cat.
A: Not what I asked you.
J: Hey, one last thing. Would you at least consider shaving your nipples?
A: No.
J: You don't just wanna shave your soul patch, right?
A: I don't know, haven't decided yet. You decided--to be a queen douche about it.
J: Hey, look, I'm being nice, okay?
A: I know. (Repeats over and over on top of what Jake says next)
J: I'm teaching you to shave right now. And you're 28 years old, so you should--I mean, your dad should've taught you--
A: I know, already. I said I know. Jesus, you don't have to be a queen douche about it.
J: Just 'cause the hair is so long--
A: Brown, I know, right?
J: No, long is what I was going to say.
A: Yeah, that too.
J: That only.
A: Hm. This is easy. Would it be harder or easier if I had legit cat fur on my face?
J: I really don't want you to shave a cat, okay?
A: Don't tell me what to do, okay?
J: It'd be harder with cat fur.
A: I'll just get a sharper razor then. Look at that.
J: Don't be proud of your body, okay?
A: Do they make circular razors?
J: No.
A: One that would, like, easily mold to the contour of a feline anus?
J: I already said no, man, you don't have to specify.
A: I'm gonna shave a cat.
J: I know. Hey, I have a question. How do you get this nipple hair so soft?
A: (screams) Aa-aah!
J: Okay, just like that. Slowly. Carefully.
A: Ooh. Nicked myself a little bit.
J: Okay, slowly. Carefully. Watch me do it.
A: Oh, okay. Two for two!
J: Okay, just do me a favor. Keep your razor away from your face. Watch how slow I move. Just like this--
A: I was going that slowly.
J: Just like this--you put pressure on that. Okay, tell me this goat isn't chief, and I'll shave it off right now.
A: It's not chief.
J: Oh, wow, you don't know jack. Shaving it.
A: You know, if you think this is funny--
J: I don't.
A: Imagine it being cat blood. Imagine wearing a bib with a--I fainted for a split.

Script: Rapping

Rapping posted January 1, 2009.

Amir: What the hell? They spelled my name wrong.
Jake: That's my name.
A: Oh. Okay.

A: What are you doing?
J: Trying to hide from you.
A: That's weird. Yo, so...
J: Don't.
A: Yo, so, when it snows, my feet they bleed 'cause my shoes have holes and I can nay afford socks-o.
J: Why do you thinly veil these depressing anecdotes in raps? You're still saying it, you know? Don't. I can tell you're gonna to rap by the face you're making.
A: Sometimes, when it's super cold out and raining and stuff I order Chinese food and when it comes I don't tip the guy. I just take the food and kick him in the chest. When he lands on the floor I just lock him out. I don't pay for the food or pay for the tip. I make him regret stuff like his life, his job, and shiat-like that-su.
J: Oh, yo, it's like everything you say is still a thing and it holds weight and it's inappropriate for the workplace. Unh, or anywhere, really, you should, unh yo, never be kicking anyone in the chest.
A: I spent last week in a hospital. What I thought was Flinstone's vitamins was actually birth control and I shouldn't have drank the whole botty-bottle, but I did. I got--
J: I don't think birth control comes in a bottle.
A: Oh sheesh ya'll, 'twas a dream.
J: Was it really?
A: Nay, it actually happened and it cost me a lot of grief and money.
J: Are you okay?
A: Just a little queasy, I should take it easy.
J: Stop. Do you need to go home?
A: Yeah, probably. I don't know, I still feel a little poisoned, you know?

Script: Emails

Emails posted June 29, 2010.

Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
Amir: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
J: Good, great job.
A: Likewise.

Jake: Wow, this is a very strongly worded all e-mail.
Amir: What?
J: This is a very strongly worded all e-mail.
A: Thank You.
J: Yeah, you know everyone in the company gets these, right?
A: I do. Now, I do.
J: So 120 people just read your email: "Who the f**k stole my headphones? Return them at once or I'll kill you."
A: Pay to play, baby. Pay to play, baby.
J: They're around your neck. You were just listening to music on them.
A: No.
J: You also just said "pay to play," which doesn't make any sense in this con--and here's another all email from you: "The coward thief has emerged from his cave of lies to return my headphones. For a picture of this villainous foe click here." And it's a link to the Rick Roll video.
A: Pay to play!
J: You just wrote another email. I don't know how you're sending them so fast, but this one's a picture of Kayne West and it says, "Hey headphone thief, I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish, but the Hamburgler was the best thief of all time." Nice.
A: Rick roll'd, bitch!
J: I think you're like one step behind me, alright. People are responding to be removed from the thread. So, maybe just--okay, here we go. "Who dares asks to be removed from this thread?"
A: Yeah.
J: You can see, you can see exactly who sends the e-mails.
A: Show yourselves.
J: Don't send that. Just put your hands up, alright. Stop typing. Okay, so you wrote never. Respond verbally, to me.
A: You know what--you're right, I'm just going to start unsending these, one by one.
J: You wrote unsend. You keep sending the word unsend. Unsend, unsend, unsend. Please do not read, I'm begging you. The villainous foe is still among you, just kidding. Stop, just stop it. Okay?
A: Alright, you know what, they want silence? If they want silence, I'm going to give them silence, I'm going to give them radio silence. Not word one from me, not a peep, starting now. Now.
Together: Now. Now.
J: Now. You're sending e-mails. How do you like that? Do you like being ignored? It sucks, doesn't it? Two can play the quiet game.