Shaving

Shaving posted July 21, 2011.

Jake: Hey, you're watching Ja--can you stop taking pictures of my jeans?
Amir: Whoa, pervert alert.

J: Okay. First thing's first, take some shaving cream, put it in your hand.
A: Well, hey, check it out. Jake and a mirror.
J: That's good. Okay, so.
A: That was a freaking courtesy laugh. And I appreciate it.
J: (whisper) Alright. Easy, easy.
A: Hey, you think this sahving cream stuff works on cats? Yes or no, bitch? I'm talking to you.
J: I don't want you to shave a cat.
A: Not what I asked you.
J: Hey, one last thing. Would you at least consider shaving your nipples?
A: No.
J: You don't just wanna shave your soul patch, right?
A: I don't know, haven't decided yet. You decided--to be a queen douche about it.
J: Hey, look, I'm being nice, okay?
A: I know. (Repeats over and over on top of what Jake says next)
J: I'm teaching you to shave right now. And you're 28 years old, so you should--I mean, your dad should've taught you--
A: I know, already. I said I know. Jesus, you don't have to be a queen douche about it.
J: Just 'cause the hair is so long--
A: Brown, I know, right?
J: No, long is what I was going to say.
A: Yeah, that too.
J: That only.
A: Hm. This is easy. Would it be harder or easier if I had legit cat fur on my face?
J: I really don't want you to shave a cat, okay?
A: Don't tell me what to do, okay?
J: It'd be harder with cat fur.
A: I'll just get a sharper razor then. Look at that.
J: Don't be proud of your body, okay?
A: Do they make circular razors?
J: No.
A: One that would, like, easily mold to the contour of a feline anus?
J: I already said no, man, you don't have to specify.
A: I'm gonna shave a cat.
J: I know. Hey, I have a question. How do you get this nipple hair so soft?
A: (screams) Aa-aah!
J: Okay, just like that. Slowly. Carefully.
A: Ooh. Nicked myself a little bit.
J: Okay, slowly. Carefully. Watch me do it.
A: Oh, okay. Two for two!
J: Okay, just do me a favor. Keep your razor away from your face. Watch how slow I move. Just like this--
A: I was going that slowly.
J: Just like this--you put pressure on that. Okay, tell me this goat isn't chief, and I'll shave it off right now.
A: It's not chief.
J: Oh, wow, you don't know jack. Shaving it.
A: You know, if you think this is funny--
J: I don't.
A: Imagine it being cat blood. Imagine wearing a bib with a--I fainted for a split.

Script: Rapping

Rapping posted January 1, 2009.

Amir: What the hell? They spelled my name wrong.
Jake: That's my name.
A: Oh. Okay.

A: What are you doing?
J: Trying to hide from you.
A: That's weird. Yo, so...
J: Don't.
A: Yo, so, when it snows, my feet they bleed 'cause my shoes have holes and I can nay afford socks-o.
J: Why do you thinly veil these depressing anecdotes in raps? You're still saying it, you know? Don't. I can tell you're gonna to rap by the face you're making.
A: Sometimes, when it's super cold out and raining and stuff I order Chinese food and when it comes I don't tip the guy. I just take the food and kick him in the chest. When he lands on the floor I just lock him out. I don't pay for the food or pay for the tip. I make him regret stuff like his life, his job, and shiat-like that-su.
J: Oh, yo, it's like everything you say is still a thing and it holds weight and it's inappropriate for the workplace. Unh, or anywhere, really, you should, unh yo, never be kicking anyone in the chest.
A: I spent last week in a hospital. What I thought was Flinstone's vitamins was actually birth control and I shouldn't have drank the whole botty-bottle, but I did. I got--
J: I don't think birth control comes in a bottle.
A: Oh sheesh ya'll, 'twas a dream.
J: Was it really?
A: Nay, it actually happened and it cost me a lot of grief and money.
J: Are you okay?
A: Just a little queasy, I should take it easy.
J: Stop. Do you need to go home?
A: Yeah, probably. I don't know, I still feel a little poisoned, you know?

Script: Emails

Emails posted June 29, 2010.

Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
Amir: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
J: Good, great job.
A: Likewise.

Jake: Wow, this is a very strongly worded all e-mail.
Amir: What?
J: This is a very strongly worded all e-mail.
A: Thank You.
J: Yeah, you know everyone in the company gets these, right?
A: I do. Now, I do.
J: So 120 people just read your email: "Who the f**k stole my headphones? Return them at once or I'll kill you."
A: Pay to play, baby. Pay to play, baby.
J: They're around your neck. You were just listening to music on them.
A: No.
J: You also just said "pay to play," which doesn't make any sense in this con--and here's another all email from you: "The coward thief has emerged from his cave of lies to return my headphones. For a picture of this villainous foe click here." And it's a link to the Rick Roll video.
A: Pay to play!
J: You just wrote another email. I don't know how you're sending them so fast, but this one's a picture of Kayne West and it says, "Hey headphone thief, I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish, but the Hamburgler was the best thief of all time." Nice.
A: Rick roll'd, bitch!
J: I think you're like one step behind me, alright. People are responding to be removed from the thread. So, maybe just--okay, here we go. "Who dares asks to be removed from this thread?"
A: Yeah.
J: You can see, you can see exactly who sends the e-mails.
A: Show yourselves.
J: Don't send that. Just put your hands up, alright. Stop typing. Okay, so you wrote never. Respond verbally, to me.
A: You know what--you're right, I'm just going to start unsending these, one by one.
J: You wrote unsend. You keep sending the word unsend. Unsend, unsend, unsend. Please do not read, I'm begging you. The villainous foe is still among you, just kidding. Stop, just stop it. Okay?
A: Alright, you know what, they want silence? If they want silence, I'm going to give them silence, I'm going to give them radio silence. Not word one from me, not a peep, starting now. Now.
Together: Now. Now.
J: Now. You're sending e-mails. How do you like that? Do you like being ignored? It sucks, doesn't it? Two can play the quiet game.

Script: Screen Name

Screen Name posted June 14, 2007.

Amir: Oh, I forgot to tell you. I thought of the chillest screen name last night. It was so chill. It's like the chillest thing I've ever thought of, and it was a screen name, can you believe it? Don't you at least want to know what it is?
Jake: Oh sorry. Yeah, what is it?
A: It's chilldude22. Twenty-two. Chill dude two-two.
J: It's actually pretty tight.
A: I know. It's so good.
J: That's actually really tight.
A: It's fly as hell. That's why I love it so much.
J: I mean, I dunno. I think, I mean all your friends know you on your screen name that you have..
A: I know, but it's not a big deal if I'm just, like, putting up--like, throw up an away mess, and I'm just like, "Hey I changed my name to, like, something super chill." I'm sure people will understand.
J: Well, I mean was it available?
A: Jesus, actually, no it's not.
J: I'm not surprised.
A: Damn that's like the chillest one I've ever thought of.
J: That's tough.
A: It's more than tough.
J: Sorry.
A: You know, I'm gonna add the name chilldude22 to my bu--my B L, and I'm gonna check out if this chill guy wants to swap.
J: If I had a screen name that chill I definitely wouldn't trade with anybody.
A: Whoa, he's actually online.
J: Really?
A: Maybe I should IM him and ask him if he wants to switch. Hey. Wanna swap names? What's going on? Hello? Hi. It's you, man.
J: Honestly, if I thought of a screen name that chill I wouldn't have told anybody until I'd already made it.
A: Did you steal my chill screen name?
J: I'm just tryin to pimp out this chill pro right now. What's that Jovi quote?
A: I mean, I'm gonna tell you what it is because it's such a chill quote that it belongs with that screen name, but: "She says we gotta hold on to what we got cause it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not." How could you do that? Like, you know I thought that was the chillest.
J: What's Streeter's handle? I need to add him. I'm trying to flesh out this B L right now.
A: I'm supposed to be the chill dude.
J: Chill out, dude. All's fair in love and chill, you know that.

Script: Weapons

Weapons posted June 13, 2007.

Jake: Hey, Amir. (Makes gun shooting noises.)
Amir: (Makes dying noises. Makes noises as though he's pulling pin, throwing grenade.)
J: Aah. (Makes explosion noise. Makes gun shooting noises.)
A: (Continuously makes noises as though he's pulling pin, throwing grenades.)
J: Aah. (Continuously makes explosion noises.)
A: (Continuously makes noises as though he's pulling pin, throwing grenades.)
J: That's good. You win. Tie, or whatever. Alright, I have to answer this e-mail.
A: (Continuously makes noises as though he's pulling pin, throwing grenades.)
J: (Explosion.) I'm dead. Done.
A: (Continuously makes noises as though he's pulling pin, throwing grenades.)
J: Alright.
A: (Continuously makes noises as though he's pulling pin, throwing grenades.)
J: Stop for one second, I just gotta make a phone call. Mom?
A: (Continuously makes noises as though he's pulling pin, throwing grenades.)
J: Hey, did you call me before? I have to call you back.

Script: Sunglasses

Sunglasses posted June 11, 2007.

Jake: What are you doing?
Amir: Oh, I'm writing an e-mail, cause a friend of mine wrote me an e-mail.
J: You know what I mean.
A: Yeah, he was, like, writing me an e-mail, so I'm e-mailing him back
J: I put on sunglasses and then you put on, like, the exact same pair.
A: They're not the exact same pair. Yours are yellow, right? I can't--yeah, they're yellow.
J: It's, like, the idea of putting on sunglasses.
A: Oh the idea? I didn't--yeah, I didn't know you invented sunglasses. That's, I guess that's why I messed up because I didn't know you invented sunglasses. Why are you even still working here? Can't you live off the royalties of wearing--
J: You know what I mean. I put on sunglasses, and then you did.
A: Why are you wearing a blue shirt today? I'm wearing a blue shirt, and your new rule is that nobody can wear the same thing, right? So, I can't wear a blue shirt if you are.
J: Alright, well yesterday, when I wore these sunglasses, you called them gay. And you don't even own a pair of sunglasses.
A: Yesterday they were gay. But then people said that they liked it, so I got a pair of my own. I mean, I'm allowed to change my mind.
J: No, now you're just admitting you're a poser, because you got something because other people liked it.
A: I'm getting a call.
J: Your phone didn't ring.
A: It's on vibrate mode.
J: You have your office phone on vibrate?
A: Yeah, it's like call-forwarding, so it--I don't really know how it works. Hello? Hello? Ah, shh, I lost her.
J: It doesn't go to dial tone when you lose somebody.

Script: Beer

Beer posted on June 8, 2007.

Amir: So drunk.
Jake: You're drunk right now?
A: No, last night I got so drunk.
J: Oh, you--nice.
A: I had, like, so many beers.
J: How many--how many is so many?
A: I was like so retarded.
J: You were? How many beers did you have?
A: Sixty.
J: Sixty? That's--sixty is way too many. That's not a believable number at all.
A: I know. How many is believable?
J: Twelve?
A: Yeah, I know. Twelve. I had twelve.
J: You had twelve?
A: I had twelve beers, yeah. Stupid, afterwards.
J: I don't believe you. I don't think you even know--I don't think you've had beer, ever.
A: Yeah, right. I drink it all the time.
J: What does it taste like?
A: Sweet. So sweet. Like sug--what?
J: It's not sweet. Like sugar?
A: No, it tastes not like sugar. It tastes like the opposite.
J: Closer. Like what?
A: Like you're drinking--like you're drinking a sourdough baguette.
J: No. That's not it either.
A: Here's 2--that was 2 things it doesn't taste like.
J: Exactly, so what does it taste like?
A: It tastes--you know, it's like--beer's water. It's like a fermentable starch source, alright? Malted barley, yeast, it's common for flavoring to be added--
J: Like hops, a mixture of starch sources to be used with a secondary starch source. Uh, yeah. You're on the Wikipedia page, I'm reading it, too. Rice and sguar often being turned into junk, especially when you used with...
A: Yeah, I see where you're at, but I wasn't reading it.
J: You see where I'm at, but you weren't reading it?
A: Why, what are you doing tonight? How many beers are you gonna have? I'll double it, easy.
J: I'm not drinking tonight, I have to take my cat to the vet, actually.
A: Take a drink before or after, whatever you drink--
J: She has heart palpitations and they might have to put her down.
A: So sick.

Script: Battleship

Battleship posted June 6, 2007.

Amir: A3. D2. D4.
Jake: Okay, you sunk my Milky Way.
A: So fucking sick.
J: Can we stop? I'm down like 8 bucks.
A: We'll stop when the machine's empty. B2!

Script: Tattoo

Tattoo posted June 5, 2007.

Amir: (Guttural noises.)
Jake: What’s going on?
A: I don’t know how people do it.
J: Yeah.
A: No, you don’t know what I meant. I meant, I don’t know how people get tattoos.
J: Man, what time do we have that meeting? It’s like 4, or 2?
A: Just forget about the meeting, how—when you got your tattoo, did it hurt you? Who else has a tattoo in the office? Now that I’m inked up. Now that I have ink.
J: Do you know, just like when—
A: You’re treating me so different now that you know I have a tattoo
J: I’m really trying not to
A: It’s embarrassing tell you this shit because I—
J: You don’t have to. What is it of?
A: I dunno, it’s a tattoo. Okay, what is this? What is that of? That’s not of anything, it’s still a tattoo.
J: That looks like a fish or something, is that what you got?
A: Mine’s a bear.
J: A bear? Where is it?
A: I dunno, in the woods or something.
J: When you get a tattoo, you get it of something and in a specific spot. So, it’s of a bear, you said, and where is it?
A: Let’s go to a fucking bar. I haven’t felt this interrogated—it’s not on my shoulder or anything, it’s just like on my area. What does it matter?
J: What area?
A: What does it matter where it is?
J: A dick on your—
A: Is that a dick? No, it’s a cannon. Leave me alone, it’s—it’s getting sore.
J: Let me fucking see that!
A: Get off of me, man. Get off of me, what does it matter what it is?
J: It says ‘GAY’.
A: Those are my initials! Next one’s going to be, like, an eagle.

Script: Kite

Kite posted May 30, 2007.

Jake: So pimp. It’s just so fucking pimp. Soaring like a majestic eagle or something. It’s like, that’s it. Right up in the air, that’s my kite. I’m not even explaining it right because I’m so amped still. Like, your adrenaline is pumping, it’s just in the sky and you just don’t let go, you can’t let go of the kite. It’s just the best feeling when you just see it, the wind blowing it and shit, it’s unraveling the spool. It’s so phat, you don’t even know. The phattest fucking thing in the world. Flying that kite, I owned it. It’s like I owned it, I was owning, all day long, all morning—started in the morning and into the afternoon, just owning the kite, owning the sky. It was so fucking sick. Sprinting across the grass. PIcturing it now it almost brings a fucking tear to my eye. People—it wasn’t happening, but it just felt like people were cheering, just like (makes cheering noise). You were just out there and trying it—
Amir: What are you talking about?
J: Nothing, nothing.
A: What was so awesome?
J: Nothing. Just, nothing.
J: I flew a kite, that’s what it was.
A: Huh?
J: I flew a kite this weekend.
A: Are you kidding?
J: Yeah—well, I wish I was kidding. My sister wanted to or some shit like that. She’s like.. a homo. Of course I didn’t like it, it’s fucking—it was a kite.
A: So you don’t like the kite?
J: No.
A: Okay. You scared me.
J: Just kidding, it was so fucking pimp.